Dear Mama,

Scary, you've been gone for over two years and I'm writing you a letter.  I'm kind of a nut, I guess.  You would know that though.  It's not like we talked in depth or daily when you were alive but I wish we would have.  Now that you aren't here I find myself talking to you nightly.  I've got questions, I need advice, I want a shoulder to cry on.  That's right, me, me, me.  Not much has changed.

Actually a lot has changed.  Your kids miss you like you might find yourself missing your left leg if you were to suddenly wake up without it.  We are all handling thing in our own way. I won't begin to explain what they are feeling because I can't even fathom my own pain and emotions let alone that of three other kids missing their Mother.  I've changed though.  I hope for the better.  I hope it would make you proud.  Though they say not to hope becasue it's empty and has a hole in it.  I guess it's better to have faith. But, in what?  That I don't know.  Any suggestions?

I'm trying to have faith that you are in a better place, at peace and with no pain.  I have faith that everyday I will become stronger in spite of being down a parent.  I have faith that I will eventually get past all of the regrets that I carry with me since I've lost you.  I have a list of those a mile long and that might be the toughest of my tasks to tackle.  I hope it can be done.  For you, for me and for my sanity. (Maybe for Johnny's sanity, too.)

There's so much to tell you and update you on.  There are things you wouldn't believe happening and things you could have predicted years ago.  Maybe another day when I'm not soaking the front of my shirt with tears.  Apparently I inherited your overly emotional sensitivity.  Shocker!

Love you heaps.
Julie