Mother - Is there a reason I'm not an only child? I mean other than the fact that Daniel was born before me and I'm sure it would have been difficult to maybe sell him to the gypsys. The fact that he's Daniel would have made that a tough sale but you could have maybe gave him away? And Alex and Katie? Don't get me wrong. I love all three of them. And that's the problem. I stay up at night tossing and turning and worrying about these people whos lives I have no control over. Daniel's the oldest, he's employeed, healthy (disgustingly healthy), happy, and in general doing just fine. I still worry. Alex is smart, snappy and has the drive to be anything he wants. He's young though so he's making all those fun mistakes that I made and Daniel made and in general 70% of kids make. And Katie, oh Katie, that girl gives me ulcers. I don't even know where to start or even end when it comes to her. I understand that I am only one person. I can barely control my own actions, emotions and life let alone anyone elses. But for some reason I feel this need to worry and stress over them. Go figure. Wonder where I get that from. Couldn't be you could it?
Love,
Julie
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
.
Mom,
As Johnny and I were driving up to Phoenix the other day, I found myself thinking of the time you tackled me on the front lawn. I couldn't help but laugh to myself just thinking about it.
You had just bought your first new car in ages. It was a shiny black Ford Taurus with all the bells and whistles for a car of the mid 90's. I was driving another hand me down car on the verge of explosion and I just wanted to test drive it.
I know you'd said no. You'd even hid your keys. You could have used better hiding spots because I found those keys. I marched across the living room and out the front door. Unkowning of the angry mother in a Winne the Pooh nightgown chasing after me. I've never seen you move so quick. Expect maybe when fighting other mothers for Cabbage Patch dolls for their spoiled daughters. Though I've only heard of your speed in agility on black Fridays while shopping for a deal. I had never actually witnessed it until that day. As I was walking to the car a blur of brown hair and purple nightgown leaped a small decrotive fence, dove towards my ankles and tackled me straight to the ground.
Through my tears of laughter (and slight embarassed by the fact the I was just tackled by my Winnie the Pooh nightgown wearing mother) I looked and saw you laughing with me. It was rather amusing. But I never tried to steal that car again!
I guess I shouldn't wonder why our neighbors called us strange.
You sure loved that car. You drove it for almost 200,000 miles and I have a sinking suspicion, had you not died so suddedly, you'd still be cruising in your black Taurus. (Possibly while doing your hair and makeup in the rearview mirror while driving to work.)
xxxooo
Julie
As Johnny and I were driving up to Phoenix the other day, I found myself thinking of the time you tackled me on the front lawn. I couldn't help but laugh to myself just thinking about it.
You had just bought your first new car in ages. It was a shiny black Ford Taurus with all the bells and whistles for a car of the mid 90's. I was driving another hand me down car on the verge of explosion and I just wanted to test drive it.
I know you'd said no. You'd even hid your keys. You could have used better hiding spots because I found those keys. I marched across the living room and out the front door. Unkowning of the angry mother in a Winne the Pooh nightgown chasing after me. I've never seen you move so quick. Expect maybe when fighting other mothers for Cabbage Patch dolls for their spoiled daughters. Though I've only heard of your speed in agility on black Fridays while shopping for a deal. I had never actually witnessed it until that day. As I was walking to the car a blur of brown hair and purple nightgown leaped a small decrotive fence, dove towards my ankles and tackled me straight to the ground.
Through my tears of laughter (and slight embarassed by the fact the I was just tackled by my Winnie the Pooh nightgown wearing mother) I looked and saw you laughing with me. It was rather amusing. But I never tried to steal that car again!
I guess I shouldn't wonder why our neighbors called us strange.
You sure loved that car. You drove it for almost 200,000 miles and I have a sinking suspicion, had you not died so suddedly, you'd still be cruising in your black Taurus. (Possibly while doing your hair and makeup in the rearview mirror while driving to work.)
xxxooo
Julie
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Dear Mama,
Scary, you've been gone for over two years and I'm writing you a letter. I'm kind of a nut, I guess. You would know that though. It's not like we talked in depth or daily when you were alive but I wish we would have. Now that you aren't here I find myself talking to you nightly. I've got questions, I need advice, I want a shoulder to cry on. That's right, me, me, me. Not much has changed.
Actually a lot has changed. Your kids miss you like you might find yourself missing your left leg if you were to suddenly wake up without it. We are all handling thing in our own way. I won't begin to explain what they are feeling because I can't even fathom my own pain and emotions let alone that of three other kids missing their Mother. I've changed though. I hope for the better. I hope it would make you proud. Though they say not to hope becasue it's empty and has a hole in it. I guess it's better to have faith. But, in what? That I don't know. Any suggestions?
I'm trying to have faith that you are in a better place, at peace and with no pain. I have faith that everyday I will become stronger in spite of being down a parent. I have faith that I will eventually get past all of the regrets that I carry with me since I've lost you. I have a list of those a mile long and that might be the toughest of my tasks to tackle. I hope it can be done. For you, for me and for my sanity. (Maybe for Johnny's sanity, too.)
There's so much to tell you and update you on. There are things you wouldn't believe happening and things you could have predicted years ago. Maybe another day when I'm not soaking the front of my shirt with tears. Apparently I inherited your overly emotional sensitivity. Shocker!
Love you heaps.
Julie
Scary, you've been gone for over two years and I'm writing you a letter. I'm kind of a nut, I guess. You would know that though. It's not like we talked in depth or daily when you were alive but I wish we would have. Now that you aren't here I find myself talking to you nightly. I've got questions, I need advice, I want a shoulder to cry on. That's right, me, me, me. Not much has changed.
Actually a lot has changed. Your kids miss you like you might find yourself missing your left leg if you were to suddenly wake up without it. We are all handling thing in our own way. I won't begin to explain what they are feeling because I can't even fathom my own pain and emotions let alone that of three other kids missing their Mother. I've changed though. I hope for the better. I hope it would make you proud. Though they say not to hope becasue it's empty and has a hole in it. I guess it's better to have faith. But, in what? That I don't know. Any suggestions?
I'm trying to have faith that you are in a better place, at peace and with no pain. I have faith that everyday I will become stronger in spite of being down a parent. I have faith that I will eventually get past all of the regrets that I carry with me since I've lost you. I have a list of those a mile long and that might be the toughest of my tasks to tackle. I hope it can be done. For you, for me and for my sanity. (Maybe for Johnny's sanity, too.)
There's so much to tell you and update you on. There are things you wouldn't believe happening and things you could have predicted years ago. Maybe another day when I'm not soaking the front of my shirt with tears. Apparently I inherited your overly emotional sensitivity. Shocker!
Love you heaps.
Julie
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